”But, I thought you were a Go-Giver!”
Expect to hear this question from time to time after you’ve denied a request to someone who may have never even read the book but has heard you discussing it.
They’ve asked you to do anything from serving on a committee, to donating time and/or money to a cause, to providing them with an endorsement or introduction, to … to … well, you get the picture. Each of these are terrific, when warranted and appropriate. However, in this case, for whatever reason you have determined, it wouldn’t be the correct action for you to take.
In the previous post, we discussed the false premise that being a Go-Giver means you have to give away your product or service for free and have absolutely no concern for making a profit.
This time, we’ll look at the equally invalid idea that being a Go-Giver means acting contrary to your own interests, if doing so entails either a break from your personal value system or having to be some kind of self-sacrificing martyr in order to do another’s will. In other words, that you must say yes upon fear of being guilted. 🙂
It absolutely does not mean that!
Please don’t misunderstand. Doing for others is wonderful, even at times doing something you would rather not do. And so long as it’s a choice you are making of your own free will, and it aligns with your personal value system and sense of right and wrong, that’s fine.
That’s not necessarily being a Go-Giver, and it’s not not being a Go-Giver, either. It just is what it is: nice, kind and generous … and the world certainly needs more of that.
But if, in order to be more productive, or to refrain from doing something that would violate your sense of what’s right, or even just to maintain your sanity or for any other reason, you feel you must say no to someone’s request, that’s okay. You can do that without fear of not being a Go-Giver.
The person who challenges you on your “no” by insinuating otherwise might not even necessarily be a manipulative person. He or she simply might not understand. You have the opportunity to educate them in a way that is of benefit to both of you.
Oh, and while a Go-Giver does have to say no sometimes (often regretfully so), they also know that how you say it can make all the difference in the world to the other person’s feelings. Saying no with tact, kindness and class certainly is an attribute of a Go-Giver.
And when saying no, they do so without a feeling of guilt. (Okay, maybe just a bit because … let’s face it, it’s natural to want to please others). 🙂
Following the Five Laws as defined in the book will add great value to your life and the lives of others around you. At the same time, it”s important to keep in mind what being a Go-Giver really is — and just as importantly, what it isn’t.
Bob:
Another insightful post!
This is sometimes a hard lesson to learn. One of the best statemements I have heard that relates to this premise is, “Don’t say YES to so many good things, that you have to say NO to the great ones.”
I heard a minister of a church say that he would go out in his backyard and walk up to each tree as if they were a person that had just offered him some great opportunity to join and he would practice saying,”Thank you for this offer, but at the moment, I just don’t have room for this one in my schedule. I am honored by the offer. Please keep me in mind on other opportunities such as this in the future.”
Bob
I am still trying to go deep with the 5 laws but it is the law of value that intrigues me most. As a lawyer (Attorney), the moment you mention the idea of giving value to people without looking at the quid pro quo (yes I know we only have our time to sell) the knee-jerk reaction is “we are not a charity.” There is a further dichotomy to overcome which relates to the trite expression: “We need to look at the added val[ue] element.” Surely this is at the core of the Go-Giver principle; but the problem is that lawyers are still fixated with asking the question: “Yes but what’s in it for me?” In other words even if they start off with a free initial meeting they would still look to make this up in fees somewhere along the road.
If only they could see beyond the horizon of the hourly rate and take a holistic view of the client relationship and think what they can do for the client that provides significant commercial advantage without the client feeling like they owe the lawyer one.
I like to spend (free) time with a client to understand their business even if I don’t get instructed. I know down the road that something will happen that will work for both of us.
I love the book so much but it does require a paradigm shift in our thinking around value.
Kind regards.
Julian
When we say “no”, it is about communication skill. I think we need Dale Carnegie then. 🙂
Kent: I love Dale Carnegie. And, I think we ALWAYS need to keep reading his classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” along with some of his other awesome books. Regarding saying ‘No’ in a kind and tactful way, honoring both yourself and the other person, here’s a post I wrote that you might enjoy (also referred to in above post): https://www.burg.com/2009/10/saying-%E2%80%9Cno%E2%80%9D-graciously-part-one/