How to Cyber-Influence – Even When You Disagree
By Bob Burg and John David Mann
466 words
Social media allows us great opportunities to connect with others. It creates the context for democratizing influence, giving voice to individuals on a mass basis.
It’s exciting just to consider the good that can be accomplished as various (and yes, opposing) political and other viewpoints can be communicated intelligently, respectfully, and persuasively, and without the filter of the usual authority figures. Imagine the potential for mutual understanding!
Unfortunately cyberspace these days is filled with vitriolic, insulting “exchanges” between people who in person may be kind and thoughtful, yet who online express opinions and defend views in ways that do nothing but repel.
While viciously and brutally attacking others may elicit a shot of dopamine that provides an instantaneous high, it doesn’t lead to lasting rewards. Assuming one’s personal values include kindness and respect, you just can’t feel sustainably good when that short-term high comes about viciously through attacking others.
Have You Seen This Person Anywhere?
We’ve noticed an interesting correlation in many attack-style tweets and posts: those with the strongest opinions and most insulting comments often seem to be the least informed regarding the issue they are discussing.
In a way, this makes sense. The more people allow their emotions to control their actions, the less room there is to involve logic and thoughtfulness.
Our guess is that those who have the most emotionally charged opinions likely obtain their information only from sources they already agree with.
While this is natural, that doesn’t make it productive — not for the tweeting-posting person, for the one with whom they are exchanging hurled invectives, or for society as a whole.
The Path of Influence
We offer two suggestions:
- Understand that tact is not the same thing as compromise. We can always speak tactfully and respectfully to others without compromising our own values. In other words, yes, you can disagree and even attack an issue without personally attacking the other person.
- If you’re going to express your opinion, first learn more about the issue. Actually make a study of the issue from the opposing side’s point of view. This was one of Abraham Lincoln’s persuasion secrets, and today it’s easier to do than ever. Watch, read, and listen to the media outlets that have the opposing views to yours, watching not to scowl and point out their flaws but to genuinely understand their point of view.
As the saying goes, “You don’t truly understand an issue until you can argue both sides.” Please don’t misinterpret this: we’re not suggesting you agree with them. We’re saying you’ll come away with a much better understanding—and communicate your own viewpoint much more effectively.
By all means, let’s continue to communicate, to have our opinions and express them. But let’s do it based on mutual respect. And that begins with us.
Bob Burg and John David Mann are coauthors of The Go-Giver Influencer. Legendary business coach Marshall Goldsmith says, “This may be the most important Go-Giver book yet—and in today’s polarized world, it could not be more timely.” Download the first two chapters at bit.ly/GGInfluencer.
Master Your Emotions
By Bob Burg and John David Mann
466 words
The scene is a coffee shop called Rachel’s Famous Coffee, one of a widely-regarded worldwide chain. Jackson Hill is learning his first big lesson while in conversation with his new mentor, the honorable Judge Celia Henshaw (retired).
“Your reaction wasn’t based on the facts of what happened, but purely on your own feelings. Which are not always entirely trustworthy.”
“But he could have gotten us both killed!” said Jackson.
“But he didn’t,” countered the Judge. “He cut you off, and as far as the evidence is concerned, the facts stop there. More to the point is what you did.”
“What do you mean, what I did?” said Jackson.
“You shouted so loud you thought it might crack your windshield,” she said, smiling. “You shouted your feelings out loud, inside your car. In your meeting, you shouted them silently inside your head. Either way, it’s still shouting.
“You were out of control. You could have gotten you both killed.”
Jackson was silent.
She put her hand on his arm.
“It’s okay to have your feelings, Jackson. You don’t even have to change them. All the first clause says you have to do is set them to the side. They can be along for the ride—but in the passenger’s seat. Because if you let your emotions drive the car, then you’re at the mercy of a drunk driver.”
The Judge poured herself more hot coffee from the carafe.
“When you go downtown at rush hour,” she said, “what do you hear? A grand cacophony of car horns—bleating, honking, blaring. It’s the quintessential urban sound signature, right?”
Jackson nodded.
“All those feelings, driving all those cars.” She shook her head sadly. “It’s no wonder the world needs judges and mediators.
“Conflict is everywhere. Alas. And it’s entirely understandable. It’s how we’re wired. Fight, flight, or freeze.”
After a moment Jackson said, “So if that’s how we’re wired, what do we do?”
She smiled. “Rewire. Scientists call it neuroplasticity. I call it … well?” She raised her eyebrows at him as if to say, What would you call it?
“Mastering your emotions,” he said.
She smiled. “It takes time to retrain your default response. Time and repetition. Practice. But it works. Every time you’re successful at responding by unruffling your feelings, it strikes a chord inside. It’s like thrumming the low E string on a guitar, and you are a song in the key of E. You experience a sense of a trueness, a sense that says, This is me, the real me. This is how I am in the world. And it changes your brain, a little bit at a time. It wires new connections, cuts new pathways.
“In time, you make calm your default setting. And as you do” she concluded, “you become more you.”
Excerpted from The Go-Giver Influencer, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, about which legendary business coach Marshall Goldsmith says, “This may be the most important Go-Giver book yet—and in today’s polarized world, it could not be more timely.” Download the first two chapters at bit.ly/GGInfluencer.
Listen with the Back of Your Neck
By Bob Burg and John David Mann
464 words
Gillian Waters, a buyer for Smith & Banks, a national chain of pet accessory stores is listening attentively to her mentor, the Coach, a short, stout fireplug of a man. They’re at the Juice Caboose where, after draining most of his glass (“Celery juice: best when drunk in the first sixty seconds”), he shares his next lesson with one word his protégée finds surprising.
“Listen.”
“Listen?”
“Listen. Not just with your ears. Listen with your eyes. With your posture. Listen with the back of your neck.”
“With the back of your neck,” she repeated, feeling ridiculous as she did.
The Coach cocked his head and regarded her for a moment. “When I say ‘boxing,’ what do you see?”
“Someone throwing a punch.”
“Throwing a punch. Okay. And a CEO, a person responsible for a major business employing hundreds, maybe thousands of people? What does she do there all day in her Corner Office?”
“She makes tough decisions,” she replied.
“Aha,” said the Coach. “So you’d think. But it’s not the case.
“Here’s the interesting thing about boxing: Most of it is not about throwing punches. Most of boxing is watching the other guy, sensing what he’s about to do. Sensing what he’s even thinking about doing.”
“Listening with the back of his neck,” she said.
“Exactly. And the CEO? Yes, you make the tough decisions, write big checks, take big actions. But if you’re a smart CEO, mostly what you do is watch what’s going on. In your company. In other companies. In the market. In other markets. In the world. What’s happening, what’s about to happen. What’s even thinking about being about to happen.”
“You listen,” she added, “with the back of your neck.”
“The mistake so many make when it comes to persuasion,” he said, “is that they think you do it with what’s in your head. Mostly, though, positive persuasion is about tuning to what’s in the other person’s head.”
Gillian flashed on her meeting with Jackson Hill. Whatever was going on in that guy’s head, it was still a mystery to her.
“But people can be so … opaque,” she said. “How can you know?”
He looked at her and spoke one word.
“Listen.”
She sighed.
“The most effective leaders,” he said, “are those who are the best listeners. The same is true for the most effective teachers—and the most effective parents, too. They are experts at listening.”
Ouch, she thought. Was she an “expert at listening” with her daughter, Bo? She thought so. She hoped so.
“Gotta run,” said the Coach.
As she got up to leave, a thought occurred to Gillian about this man who always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking: Maybe he doesn’t read minds. Maybe he’s just a really, really good listener.
Excerpted from The Go-Giver Influencer, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, about which legendary business coach Marshall Goldsmith says, “This may be the most important Go-Giver book yet—and in today’s polarized world, it could not be more timely.” Download the first two chapters at bit.ly/GGInfluencer.
Set the Frame … and Sometimes Reset It
By Bob Burg and John David Mann
497 words
Jackson Hill and his mentor, Judge Henshaw, are back at Rachel’s Famous Coffee for another lesson. One that Jackson badly needs as he’s about to continue his negotiations with the formidable Gillian Waters later that day. And his first meeting with the buyer at Smith & Banks had not gone well.
“Set the frame,” the Judge said. “The frame is more important than the content, because the frame is the context. Whoever sets the frame of the conversation also sets the tone and the direction in which it will go.
“Before Abraham Lincoln became president he was a very successful trial lawyer with a very unusual style. He would typically begin his opening arguments by summing up the other side’s case, pointing out the positive aspects of their position and how worthy they were of sober consideration. In fact, it was said that if you’d walked into the courtroom at the moment he was giving his opening remarks, you’d have assumed he was representing the opposing side.
“Sounds strange, I know. But by doing this, Mr. Lincoln was establishing his credibility with the judge and jury, and demonstrating that both sides had a legitimate view and that he was seeking only the truth.
“When it came time to present his side of the dispute, he would really pour it on, offering up point after point, fact after fact, to make his client’s case. By this point his credibility level was quite high. After all, if he was so forthright about the strengths of the other side’s position, then he must be honest and speaking straight from his heart, right?
“And here’s the key: when he presented that other side, he was being sincere. Yes, it was clever, and yes, it was calculated. But it wasn’t phony.
“Which is one of the central tenets of effective frame setting. You have to mean it.
“Do you remember how this conversation began? I mean right now, this morning, when you first sat down?”
Jackson blushed. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I was upset. Nervous about this meeting coming up today. I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“So who set the frame?”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then: “I’m not sure. You?”
“Me.”
“But … I don’t see how you set any frame at all. You didn’t say or do anything! I was the one who snapped at you and sulked over my oatmeal. Didn’t that set a frame?”
“Well,” she said, “it could have.” She took one last swallow of coffee and raised one finger to signal she was ready for their check. “Sometimes, though, not reacting is the most powerful statement you can make. When you go to your default setting of calm, that is itself a frame reset. Or at the very least, it sets the stage for one. So yes, your mood did set a certain frame—but I reset it.
“There’s always a frame being set. Always. The only question is, Who will set it?”
Excerpted from The Go-Giver Influencer, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, about which legendary business coach Marshall Goldsmith says, “This may be the most important Go-Giver book yet—and in today’s polarized world, it could not be more timely.” Download the first two chapters at bit.ly/GGInfluencer.
Being Gracious
By Bob Burg and John David Mann
448 words
On this morning, when Gillian meets with Coach George, she finds herself watching Mrs. B., one of the wealthiest women in town, serving breakfast to a group of underprivileged children alongside a famous local athlete. Not only are they serving the children food, they are also serving up a heaping helping of self-esteem. In both words and actions they communicate that while these youngsters may come from difficult circumstances, they are immensely valued young human beings. Gillian is fascinated, but can’t quite come up with the word she wants when her mentor ask her, what quality is it that Mrs. B. (a/k/a Elizabeth) and the tall quarterback share in common?
“Grace,” said the Coach. “You know why a cat always lands on its feet? Because it never loses poise. Take high-speed photos of a cat jumping off a wall, even of a cat falling off a wall, and you’ll see the same thing in every single frame. Grace. A cat is always graceful, no matter what.
“A good athlete is like that. Always graceful, in every moment. Graceful in action. Graceful in thought. And gracious in conduct.
“Which is the fourth secret of the Winning Strategy: Be gracious.”
Gracious. That did seem a good description of this entire scene.
“When Elizabeth started coaching me, the very first thing she taught me was also the most important thing she taught me. ‘Have a kind and generous spirit, George,’ she said. ‘A kind and generous spirit always wins. And you know why that is?’
“I didn’t, of course. I never know the answers to the questions she asks.”
Gillian could easily imagine that. The woman had a sort of oracular quality. Sphinx in a hairnet.
The Coach turned to face Gillian. “‘Because,’ she said, ‘gratitude is the secret to all magnificent success.’”
They were quiet for a few moments, those last eight words echoing in Gillian’s brain like a thunderclap, until the silence as broken by Mrs. B’s voice calling over to them.
“Same root, you know.”
Gillian and the Coach both turned back in her direction. “Ma’am?” said Gillian.
“Gratitude,” she said. “Same root word as grace and gracious. From the Latin gratia, meaning favor, esteem, regard, a pleasing quality, goodwill, and before that from earlier roots meaning to announce, sing, praise, celebrate. In English, its first meaning was more like divine favor, love, or assistance—typically unmerited assistance, by the way, but freely given anyway. Grace. Wonderful, wonderful word.”
She headed back to the serving center as more kids swarmed.
“And that,” said the Coach, “is why I wanted you to meet her.” He held up four fingers. “A walking, talking example of the fourth secret. Be gracious.”
Excerpted from The Go-Giver Influencer, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, about which legendary business coach Marshall Goldsmith says, “This may be the most important Go-Giver book yet—and in today’s polarized world, it could not be more timely.” Download the first two chapters at bit.ly/GGInfluencer.